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A Gorgeous Catastrophe

Life. I love it. And I hate it at times. But I lace up my skates anyway cuz I'm blessed enough to own a pair. And somehow through the madness of my own doing, and the expectations of everyone else's, I'm still able to step out on that ice. "Keep your head up kid." I hear ringing in my ears from the Don Cherry story. "You don't want to get caught in the trolley tracks." Don, what a goon. But how many times had that been me. Caught in the past, not paying attention to my surroundings, the people around me. And suddenly I'm lying on my back with a wicked headache because I didn't look up. I didn't see the bigger picture. I felt like, as long as I trust that my feet will keep moving I'm fine. Another mistake. It's dark outside. And cold. But no wind so it's perfect. They already shut the lights off but I don't care. I'm alone with my thoughts and a smooth surface of glass. I wish I could see myself in it. See how far I've come. See how much further I need to go. Everyone talks about getting there but no one ever says where "it" is or who's ever made it. I throw some pucks down. They clatter against each other, trying to be the first on my stick. I cradle the lucky one and in a quick few strides, take off towards the net, firing a slapshot at the blue line. The puck deflects to the corner as that taunting clang of metal reaches my ears, echoing through this sleepy town. I laugh. Shake my head and skate after it. Wondering why I always insist on trying when no one's around to watch me fail. It's easier that way. Until you shelf one from center ice with your weak little arms and know that it'll never happen again. And that no one was there to witness it. Deep breaths. There's always a second chance, right? Do the 'Evel Knievel' in front of thousands of people so if you do get it right they'll never forget? Hold on. I stop fast almost losing my balance. Who am I doing this for? Others? Or myself? If I say me am I selfish? If I say others am I a people pleaser? Who should I be living life for? I start skating hard laps, trying to get a quick burn in my legs. Hoping some amount of pain will wake me up. 2. 3. 7. 9. This is ridiculous. I skate to center ice, fall on my back and stare at the sky, breathing hard. Really hoping the snow that just started to fall will blanket me so I can just stay all night. Blessed beyond words, imprinted with the DNA of heaven, This life is my gorgeous catastrophe.

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