Infallible Freedom

Here. In my imagination, I survive. barely. Running. Evading what pursues me. I can be anything. I can go anywhere. This is my freedom. And my prison. Today it's the latter. It's too late. Again. I watched you walk into his arms. I loved him. For years. Nine long years. But I was afraid. Afraid of the words on his tongue. Afraid of myself. And now, I'm here. I've grown up. But I'm alone. And he's yours. He doesn't see me. One day his eyes will be opened. And girl, you're going to be alone. Don't lie to me anymore. I know what you're doing. Stop putting on that face you call your own. That mask that hides your heart. One slip up and he'll see who you really are. Then I'll be the one by his side. The ones he calls his own. Nine years. And counting...

I sat in the shower today. I didn’t even bother to undress at first. To be honest I can’t remember how it all began or even how I managed to turn the shower on. I must’ve slid down in exhaustion, because there I was against the wall, my knees against my chest and my hands on my head. I let the falling water compensate for my indignant sentiment. The heat burned my skin but I keep adding more, blindly reaching up and fumbling for the knob. Somehow getting lost in the surge. The pressure beat against my head, preventing much thought on the day that still longed to defeat me. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about how long I had been in the shower, bearing in mind the considerable laws on water usage in this state. I pushed them aside, justifying myself by how good I’d followed through every other day. I was so tired. That box would’ve made a good place to cry. No one would ever know. No one would come up and ask what was wrong, with their fake smiles and apathetic empathy. But I didn’t. I...

I know it’s harder to see through those eyes Blinded by envy and hate, it’s your demise Your heart’s been cursed since the day you were born Dark fingers break the vows they’ve sworn Notes taped to walls Handprints on all surrounding glass Where is your home I’m here to take your back where you belong Don’t blame the ones you admire for your pain I’ve swam through blood just to hide from my shame Notes taped to walls Handprints on all surrounding glass Where is your home I’m here to take your back where you belong Oh. He’s waiting x3 Your demons cower in fear at His name You’re not alone. We’re all fighting the same At heaven’s gates you will laugh at your past Death’s wager falls at your feet at last Oh. He’s waiting x3

Do you know what love is? A feeling of burning passion to another; The penalty of lifelong commitment; A flawed theory of eternal infatuation; Or maybe less hatred than you thought indwelled. Do you know where to find it? In the crush once thought to be faultless; In the house that used to be a home; In the crowd that knew how to smile; Or in the only one that made you laugh all these years. Do you know what love is? A captive’s compassion A father’s great concern An intoxicating desire A brotherly kiss Mercy for the enemy Perhaps. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. Death sweeps everything away. It yields to no one and you cannot escape its power. So with love, like a blazing fire it cannot be quenched. ‘This is how we know what love is; Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” I John 3:16

Grasping at the feet of influence · Take hold of the pieces that change you · Wake up to a world of apathy · Abaddon’s heart is on your grave · Why do we assume subjugation · In the perilous eyes of injustice · You let them know they have no hold · You’re not as alone as you think · They want your fidelity · Unfortunately for them, you’ve sworn your loyalty · To the One who’s already won

Knuckles crack · Looking back · Can’t afford to lose Swear pours · Pushing forward · Quickly being pursued Slow down · Turn around · No use running now Sword out · Only sound · Take a final bow Gun down · Last round · Got to make it count If I miss · Final kiss · Say goodbye for now Look up · Here they come · Backed against a wall Eyes peeled · No shield · Think you know it all Swords clash · Teeth flash · Nowhere else to go Tightened grips · Blood drips · Who deals the final blow Legs shake · Bones break · Screams are all that’s said One more · Here we go · The rest have died or fled His barrel glows · Blood flows · A hole beneath my heart Staggering · Injustice wins · I go back to the start On my knees · Pushed to please · Evil staring down Spoken words · None I heard · He wears the victors crown Gun’s lead · Against my head · I fought, I tried, I lost Trigger pulled · Thoughts swirled · At least I knew the cost

I finally found out who you are today · Now I’m freefalling from miles away · I can’t believe that I believed your lies ·                                     Still falling from the black skies I know the Earth is getting closer now · You helped me up and then you pushed me down · Now you’re looking down on me ·                                     Your head rolls back, you’re laughing Cutting off from where the fear began · I disobeyed it when I held your hand · Wishing hard that I could take it back ·                                     My word is grey and fading fast About a minute ‘til I hit the ground · My pounding heart becomes the only sound · I blink back tears because I want to see ·                                     Where my body’s going to be Too far from saving but I’ll be OK · They’ll find me here and you won’t get away · Five seconds, it’ll all be done ·                                     I turn around and see the sun

Hey baby, it’s been too long · Wrestling the thoughts that always find you · I spend my days in silence, as much as I’m allowed · You knew I’d rather be alone than swept up in the crowd · Your playful eyes had somehow met my own across the room · With just one glance you made me want to fight a war for you · You found a way to charm me, though I, not you, was sober · You found a way to finally get me on the dance floor · I fought a war for medals, they handed me a ribbon · I asked them for the mountains, but they pointed to the sea · I found love in the desert but they said it didn’t matter · Because the farther north I travelled, the further you were from me · I wish that I could take back my answer to your question babe · It’s too late to change. I wish I would’ve stayed · You’re a thousand miles away and I’m on another plane · Wondering if I’ll ever see you again · Hey baby, it’s been too long · Wrestling the thoughts that always find you.

What does a good man look like? · Between character and skin deep beauty · Why do we chase fantasies, when wisdom is offered freely · Why do we run from the upright and mock our steadfast leaders · My heart wants to watch the world burn · Men chase immortality and fools steal hope · My tongue burns with deceit and arrogance, like acid · Why do I fear Your eyes? · I can’t meet them · They know me · I’ve accepted the bribes to my death · But here, in this dark corner of my world, quiet and peace reside · I’m staring at the sun with eyelids shut · No one is speaking but a voice calls out · I’m deaf in my ears but my heart understands · Finally · “Be still. I am fighting for you.”