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The Shower

I sat in the shower today. I didn’t even bother to undress at first. To be honest I can’t remember how it all began or even how I managed to turn the shower on. I must’ve slid down in exhaustion, because there I was against the wall, my knees against my chest and my hands on my head. I let the falling water compensate for my indignant sentiment. The heat burned my skin but I keep adding more, blindly reaching up and fumbling for the knob. Somehow getting lost in the surge. The pressure beat against my head, preventing much thought on the day that still longed to defeat me. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about how long I had been in the shower, bearing in mind the considerable laws on water usage in this state. I pushed them aside, justifying myself by how good I’d followed through every other day. I was so tired. That box would’ve made a good place to cry. No one would ever know. No one would come up and ask what was wrong, with their fake smiles and apathetic empathy. But I didn’t. I can’t even remember when I cried last. I just stared at the shadows moving past the clouded door and wondered if they realized I was there. Sitting in the shower, my clothes soaked. Because I’m fighting against someone I’ll lose if I win. Do I sacrifice my need for an impartial life to save amity? Say I don’t. How far will my independence get me? Will my decision become that bullet? That disaster that doesn’t stop until it kills someone. I don’t regret much, but I wonder if I’ll regret this. So that’s why I was sitting against the wall. I tilted my head up. I couldn’t breathe. The water drummed against my ears until I couldn’t even think. Then I heard it.

“Those deaf ears you pride yourself on.
Stop fighting. You’ve already won.
Those things you tear yourself apart with.
Stop filling yourself with emptiness.”

My head wrenched forward. I sputtered and coughed. The water choked my lungs. So that’s why I was there. Because of bitterness. Bitterness and anger had taken a hold of me once again. But this time it was destroying me. Destroying the people around me. Destroying the friendship’s I had worked so hard to see grow. With little time until I was on that last plane home, I realized that I wasn’t letting it go. I couldn’t believe I had let it all come to this. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t love. Letting this build would eventually annihilate any hope left of restoring relationships. So what if I set myself up for this angst. I hate even the idea of changing my view. I was a little biased, but then again, who didn’t have communication problems living ten thousand miles away. I pushed myself up and turned the shower off. Standing in my little haven, the dripping showerhead echoing throughout the now empty room, I wiped the water from my eyes. And sighed.

Comments

Daralynne May said…
Kimmy-gee.
wow.
you know i love and miss you.
October 16, 2008 at 8:40 PM
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